I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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