Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
