so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
