You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
