he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
