Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
