there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
