whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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