i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
