and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
