I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is Oprah even human
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
