Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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