and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
