worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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