I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He has the fingertips of a God
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