i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
