And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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