I will die if light touches me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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