This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
