So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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