I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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