I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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