It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
