someone threw a dead crab at me
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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