I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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