EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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