My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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