I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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