there's paper in my vomit.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
