my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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