margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
