i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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