happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
