Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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