you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
