Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
