Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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