I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
