Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
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She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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