and she was petting her beer can
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
