At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
