To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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