I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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