took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
