I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
