i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
