you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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