My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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