Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
