dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
