Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
