my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
