Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize