she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
