If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This house was built for laser tag.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
