My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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