I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
